ORDER!

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like a little order in his or her life.

Some folks say that we order our lives to assuage our fear of the unknown. I don’t know if this is true, but I do know that the unknown, or the unexpected, can be a royal pain in the butt. Extra effort must be taken to overcome the unexpected, and beat down the unpleasant consequences of this upset in the routine.

I don’t consciously think of myself as organized. But in light of my reactions to the slightest waver in the fabric of existence, I must admit to myself that I am in fact, an orderly person. It may even be fair to say that I thrive on order to a fault. I can tell you almost minute to minute what my daily schedule is (or at least what I think it should be). I can reel it off the top of my head. And despite this, it seems I’ve set myself up for a fall. Because there is no time allotted in my schedule for mistakes (mine or other’s), miscommunications, dead car batteries, sick children, people mowing grass in the firing range impact area (DURING live fire training!!!), or dogs that need to be taken to the vet.

In my utopian bubble there are no such things.

I tend to get a little tense when order is absent. To be truthful, I get more than a little tense - Psychotic would be closer to the mark. I have tried time and again to overcome this behavior, the one thing that I see as my greatest failing.

My antics are sometimes a source of amusement to friends and co-workers. I’ll rant and storm and stomp; usually muttering under my breath, and always performing the diaphragmatic breathing exercise I was taught in stress management class. I wonder what I must look like?

There are plenty of jokes of course; “post office” humor, questions about the view from the top of the water tower, etc… And for the most part it’s harmless in its way, but I wonder what they’d think if they knew for sure what was going on inside me?

I can’t explain what happens when, as a former boss liked to say, people “color outside the lines”. All I know is that things are not as they should be, and it upsets me. Maybe you know the feeling? Adrenaline coursing, pulse rate soaring, absence of rational thought, barely contained rage? Well, maybe you don’t know the feeling. At least I hope not.

The worst part is actually being aware that I’ve taken the jump off the high-dive… I even say to myself, while my mouth is running: “Man, you’re really cookin’ here!.. EASE OFF!” But usually I continue.

It would seem that the problem is my failure to acknowledge disorder. Even though I know perfectly well that the world is an imperfect place. My wife liked to say I had a low stupidity threshold: that is, the more stupid something (or someone) appears to me, the more apt I am to take offense. And “offense” is the perfect word to describe the feeling.

Psychologists will say that my standards are too high - that I hold myself above other people and then demand that they perform to my expectations. And they will be right. My boss said I’m simply arrogant. And he was right. My co-workers say that I’m just wrapped too tight around the axles (whatever that means?), and I suspect that they are right. My kids say that I’m “cranky”. And they are right too.

Things sometimes reach a point where it’s difficult for me to know when I’M right. I guess I’ll just have to buck-up though, and remain aware of my shortcomings. That, and only that, is what makes me tolerable to my friends.

Despite all the trouble I seem to cause myself, however, I still feel like I’m doing the right thing. I DO have friends - and they like me, or at least they respect what I stand for. And no matter how stupid things (or people) seem, and no matter how much I stew about it, there has never been a point where (whether I’m right or wrong) things couldn’t be put right again.

But...

Even now, as I ponder my place in the grand scheme of things, I find that sometimes a little “overboard” behavior can be a good thing. And while I can continue to examine and alter my negative behaviors, that to raise the stupidity threshold may be detrimental.

My arrogance allows me to claim that my angry nature directly effects the positive results I achieve. Pure rationalization, of course, but hey - where would we be without rationalization?

To close this installment I’ll say that, prescribing to one of the tenets of Chaos Theory; that is: the greatest changes take place where all elements are in an excited state. Maybe in order for me to grow emotionally, it’s actually necessary to artificially produce these agitated states. I literally have to be an asshole sometimes in order to succeed (talk about rationalization)!

In the meantime - could we have a little order please???